By Kathy Berken
On Deck
Our lives are filled with challenges, and the older we get, the more we face. These include aging, retirement, loss of loved ones, unresolved relationships, or even a parish merger or a new pastor affecting our own church. We repeatedly tell ourselves we don’t like any of this, so we complain, feel frustrated and helpless, and we just want things to be the way they were.
We want to stop hurting, and what we have tried has had minimal effect, so we double down. After what may be years of sadness, denial, and wishful thinking, the pain still haunts us.
People involved with Alcoholics Anonymous or its offshoots know well the Serenity Prayer, written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in 1932: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Those not part of A.A.’s programs may dismiss this prayer as useful only for people with addictions. But lately I’ve recommended the Serenity Prayer as one of the most powerful spiritual practices available for resolving any challenging situation. When I introduce the prayer, I first emphasize, “the courage to change the things I can,” noting word “courage.”
To slow some of the effects of aging takes determination when we start to change our diet, add more exercise, get better sleep, or begin to use adaptive equipment. The challenge of retirement may make us think about pursuing hobbies or travel. Grieving the loss of close relationships could include opportunities for new activities and new friendships. The stress in family tensions might give us a chance to reflect on our lives, learn new ways to be present, or direct our energies to hope-filled people and things. And when our parish structure changes, we may find ways to welcome the new pastor, join newly formed groups, or share our gifts.
What is even more challenging, however, is handling what we cannot change. The Serenity Prayer tells us to accept it. This is where I find people have the most resistance. “I will never condone what is happening!” Or, “How do you expect me to accept something I am completely against?” Because — and this is critical — acceptance does not mean approval. When we have changed absolutely everything we possibly could, then we have only one choice left: to accept what we cannot change. Unless we enjoy feeling miserable over something that we have no power to fix, then we pray the Serenity Prayer, trusting that God will help us through this painful time.
Often, just deciding to engage with the spiritual practice of acceptance becomes our last resort. We are exhausted, sick and tired of feeling frustrated and helpless. We do not have the energy to continue walking through this hellscape. We have been so afraid that acceptance means approval that we never considered the possibility that it might offer healing. We begin, then, by believing that acceptance is facing the often-brutal reality that some things will never change.
We acknowledge our feelings of sadness, frustration, helplessness, or anger. We stop complaining. We stop wishing for a better outcome. We look in the mirror and admit that we will never be 20 again. We will never run up the stairs or get back into our old jeans.
We face the situation that we cannot change with courage and truth. We pray for strength and we repeat as often as necessary, “This is how it is.”
Dear God, help me change what I can, help me accept what I cannot, help me see the difference. This is a spiritual practice that we may pray every day. And once we have truly accepted what we cannot change, we feel the peace of Christ as never before.
(Kathy Berken is a spiritual director and retreat leader in St. Paul, Minnesota. She lived and worked at L’Arche in Clinton — The Arch from 1999-2009.)
