By Jenna Ebener
A reflection
Ever since I started a deep dive into my mental health, one of my biggest challenges has been feeling like I no longer belong in the Catholic Church. I continue to explore the deep levels of shame that have accumulated over decades and, oftentimes, the Church reinforces those messages.
I have spent countless hours unraveling those messages and going back to the source of Truth. For over three years, I have felt displaced as I tried to return to the foundation of believing that I am a beloved child of God. Each month, I lost more hope that I could believe God’s messages of unconditional love and belonging in the Church. I still had a seed of faith but it seemed very small.
As my therapist wisely stated, I was living in my Holy Saturday. Holy Saturday, I feel, is often overlooked. Easter seems to shift suddenly from “God is dead” to “God is risen.” There was an entire day between those stages, a day where those who believed in Jesus truly thought their God was dead. They thought their hope had been misplaced. I had hypothetically seen my God die, as I faced many present and past hurts from the Church community toward others and myself. I was stuck in desolation, feeling cut off from and unworthy of God’s love. Good Friday was over. My God was “dead.” I knew that God would return but it felt more like a far-fetched dream than a reality.
The realization that I was in my Holy Saturday helped me finally to start to move forward. I labeled this time as something essential. God needed Holy Saturday to make the resurrection even more powerful. He needed to be in the grave for three days before rising. I, too, needed this long period of despair to recognize the sweetness of hope when it finally came.
My hope came in many little forms over a few weeks. First, I acknowledged my despair in therapy, which lifted some weight. Then, I met with a priest and we had an enriching conversation. He kept an open mind as I dove into my questions about the Church.
He said something that I think was profound as we discussed what is and is not a sin. His job is not to tell us what is and is not a sin but to give us an avenue to express ourselves openly to God, who will take care of the rest. This conversation gave me hope; it took some pressure off. I do not need to know the answers nor do I need to agree 100% with everyone; I just need to be open with God. For the first time since I began this journey, I finally believe that I can belong again in the Church.
With the newfound sense of belonging, I have been able to re-embrace facets of the Church that have felt out of reach for years. I can feel God in adoration and confession again. I went to a praise service and felt God more than I have in five years! I felt my love for him as I sang; gazed at him in the monstrance, saw him in the countless people around me and even in the flickering candles. I am finally able to rejoice in my risen God and it feels sweeter than ever before.
I know there are times I may need to return to Holy Saturday. The day after the praise service, I started diving into even deeper topics in therapy. Yet, I have the strength from that Easter hope driving me forward. My seed of faith has once again grown. “The apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith!’ He replied, ‘If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you’” (Luke 17:5-6).
(Jenna Ebener, a graduate of St. Ambrose University in Davenport, is a social worker at a school in Colorado for students with a combination of medical, cognitive and behavior disabilities. She relies on God every day to aid her on this wonderful, yet intense journey.)
