By Sarah Callahan
Gray Space Graces
We find ourselves in a time in which there is much to bring about anxious, tense, frightened, disappointed, guarded and angry feelings. There is a sense of great polarization within communities, friend groups and families. There seems to be another tragic story every day. Injustice is all around us. People are feeling lonelier than ever and all of this is on a societal scale. Each one of us also has our personal family issues, illness, work stress, relationship tensions, etc. with which we are faced.
It can become too much to hold for one person. While we are called as Christians to be in the world wrestling with all of these issues and working for good, we cannot do this without being rooted in the Good News of Jesus, which brings life, hope, goodness and love to even our lowest moments.
I am trying to dive deeper into my prayer life lately, so that I have a spiritual wellspring to return to and go out from as I move about in the world. I have been trying to live my faith out of an abundance of love for a God that I have experienced as wholly good, compassionate and tender, rather than an avoidance of wrongdoing for a God that I am fearful may not forgive me.
In my own spiritual journey, I have spent much time thinking that the goal was simply not to sin. “If you do something bad, you will be in trouble.” This negative reinforcement loop has kept me from reaching my potential of living my life fully as a follower of Jesus. I have found that when I focus on avoiding the bad, it is a lot like telling a child not to press a giant button that says “DON’T PUSH.” Spoiler alert … that button will be pushed.
When I center my spirituality on living out of an abundance of love for a good God (i.e. how can I be more like Jesus today?), I find myself being able to exceed the standard of “good enough.” It allows me to live in the freedom that comes with confidence in a God that loves me unconditionally.
I experienced an illustration of this feeling of freedom recently during a walk on the bike path near my home. Since I’ve lived close to it my entire life, the bike path has always been a welcomed and comforting symbol of consistency while I have maneuvered through many seasons of life — changing and growing.
This particular afternoon was a windy one. I made my way along the path noticing the beauty of creation around me. As I focused my attention on the breeze, I couldn’t help but appreciate the way that it felt all encompassing. It surrounded me completely — as close as my skin — yet, always allowed for my presence as if it were accepting the space that I was taking up.
It felt as if the wind had become an expression of God’s love for me. A love that fully surrounds, a love that allows for all that I am, a love that gently moves with me, perhaps at times, nudging one way or another. In that moment, I felt a confidence in the God that I believe in that I hadn’t felt for some time — an assurance of the unending grace offered to me. An assurance of a deep truth so central to God’s character — that God is, first and foremost, love. An assurance that remains even in the face of uncertainty.
I took a Moral Theology class at St. Ambrose University in Davenport with Father Bud Grant. In it, he explained to us the difference between belief and faith. He stood at the front of the class with his hand held up in a fist, “This is belief,” he said. He remained there for a pause and then opened his fist, his palm releasing its grip, “this is faith,” he told us. Faith is something that calls us into relationship with a God of surprises, and relationships require openness, movement, love — a letting go. Belief is a “holding onto,” a certainty.
I think that faith is similar to the assurance that I experienced on the bike path. It is something felt deep within and known through each fiber of one’s body, rather than something that is known solely intellectually. Assurance is different than certainty. Certainty is something that we know, while assurance is something that we feel. Assurance, or faith, is freedom.
So, now, this feeling and experience of assurance is something that I am trying to make my spiritual wellspring, to return to and carry with me when life feels overwhelming. God, like the wind, is ever-present and inseparably close to me. God loves me exactly the way that I am now and God allows me to take up the space that I’m in. God is good, loving, and compassionate, and that inspires me to be those things. This is my assurance.
(Sarah Callahan is social media coordinator for the Diocese of Davenport.)
