By Kathy Berken
On Deck
What happened at the clinic while I was getting my annual COVID-19 and flu vaccines troubled me for days. It wasn’t the vaccines, but the interaction with the nurse who administered them. Because I have a long history of common side effects from these shots and a discomfort about needles going into my arm, when the nurse asked me how I was, I said, “A little nervous.” However, I’ve learned to distract myself by talking about something else. “Do I get a fancy bandage?” I asked. Holding up a round non-descript one, she said, “I’ve got this one.” I smiled and said, “I’m so disappointed! I save all my COVID bandages but this will be fine.”
As I rolled up my sleeve, I added, “I just saved the first one because COVID was such a big deal and then decided to save all the rest. You know, for posterity’s sake.” She said, “Well, at least you’re not saving nail clippings . . . are you?” “Nope, not that weird!” I laughed. We were done and I left. I can only imagine the conversation she had with her colleagues.
The point isn’t whether saving COVID bandages is strange but that she did not seem to understand my reason for doing so. Granted, we had only a few minutes to talk but, in my mind, I could envision my grandchildren, decades down the road, finding the card with all the bandages neatly attached next to the dates and having a moment. They already know that family history, traditions and nostalgia are important to me, so why wouldn’t I save these little reminders of a significant time in history?
What I understood to be important from a historical perspective was totally lost on a young nurse who saw this behavior as two-dimensional and maybe even creepy. For a while, I felt misunderstood, not heard, and criticized.
One person’s perception of something as meaningful and symbolic is another’s perception of a character flaw. I saw my behavior from the perspective of world history whittled down to a personal story and someone else saw it as eccentric. Not the word she used, but she might have thought it.
In Peter Coleman’s book, “The Way Out: How to Overcome Toxic Polarization,” he tells the story about a shooting rampage at an abortion clinic in 1994 outside of Boston. Activists from both sides decided to meet and talk. Their face-to-face conversations over the past 30 years has resulted in the activists becoming friends. Coleman says that their understanding and affection for each other has changed the possibilities regarding violence around this issue, even though none of the people changed their views. However, once they intentionally listened to each other’s perspectives and understood the deep motives each side had about this divisive issue, they stopped their violent rhetoric and behavior. They felt heard and understood.
Another organization whose vision is peace through understanding is “One Small Step” (takeonesmallstep.org), an offshoot of “StoryCorps,” which “brings people with different views together to record a conversation — not to debate politics — but simply to get to know each other as people.” They say that science proves that simply having directed, one-on-one conversations with people who have opposing political views can “combat the polarizing effects of news and social media” and that “we realize we have more in common than we think.”
Consider Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-42) where he engages in conversation with a member of a group considered as outcasts by the Jewish community at the time. The conversation led to the woman’s conversion.
May we take the time to listen without judgment to another and begin to understand their perspective and their perceptions, a spiritual practice sorely needed today.
(Kathy Berken is a spiritual director and retreat leader in St. Paul, Minnesota. She lived and worked at L’Arche in Clinton — The Arch from 1999-2009.)
