By Jenna Ebener
A reflection
I have been more aware of the spiritual world since my demonic experience in March. While I certainly believed in heaven and hell before that experience, it all feels so much more tangible now. Like the apostle Thomas who doubted, sometimes it is not until I truly see and feel something that I can believe with my entire body.
I cannot shake the feeling of terror that came with experiencing true desolation — utter separation from God — even though that feeling likely lasted less than a minute. I do not know why God allowed me to experience the desolation of hell rather than the consolation of heaven; I know which one I would have preferred.
I also know that, often, I have to learn things the hard way. Perhaps God wanted me to experience true desolation so that during my other times of desolation I can remember that, as hard as life can be, it is nowhere near as isolating as that single minute. Those challenges still exist but do not hold as much power over me now as in the past.
I also have experienced profound moments of consolation in my life, so perhaps I needed that contrast of desolation to spur me into even greater action. For now, I yearn for God like never before. I crave the Eucharist more than once a week, I soak in God’s presence in adoration, I feel God’s grace once again in confession, and I am growing ever close to our Mother Mary.
I spend more time in prayer. As I become more aware of the constant evil around us, St. Michael’s prayer has become my refuge. I am working to immerse myself in God throughout the day so that my fear lessens and my trust in God’s protection increases even if the devil plants nightmares and scary images in my mind.
Scary images have dissolved for me under the presence of holy water. I have heard the voices of what I believe are angels singing. I have felt the consoling touch of our Mother. The nightmare experiences and all scary experiences still scare me because I fear the things I cannot control. Yet, they also remind me of the power of my God. They remind me that whatever brings us fear, whether they are tangible or supernatural experiences, God is in control of it all. Nothing can stand up to the power of our God.
What in your life brings you fear? Where do you see reminders of God’s protection and strength? How does that knowledge bring you consolation? “‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” (Isaiah 43:1-3).
(Jenna Ebener, a graduate of St. Ambrose University in Davenport, is a social worker at a school in Colorado for students with a combination of medical, cognitive and behavior disabilities. She relies on God every day to aid her on this wonderful, yet intense journey.)
